When I first starting thinking of joining the Peace Corps, the time commitment of 27 months freaked me out. I kept asking myself, Why can't they make it a one year program? Well, I've discovered the reason. It takes a while to make connections and get used to how things work and living in a place completely different than the one you know. I wouldn't say I went through culture shock, but adjustments were needed. Some are complete: I look forward to the cold showers to cool down from the heat of the day; I'm not offended when people call me chelita (little white girl) and I don't cringe when people refer to one of my host brothers as negro; I'm aware that I won't work at school every school day because some classes, or the whole day, will be canceled; I know the difference between la hora gringa and la hora Nica (gringa = on time, Nica = late).
Other adjustments are still a work in process: I still hate using a latrine (although I am used to it); I sometimes take offense when I'm called gordita (little fat girl); I know I will sweat every day but am not okay with it; I get really frustrated when people don't show up for meetings; I hate being cat-called on the street or offered money to marry someone "as a favor" so he can go to the US.
But, overall, the pros of my situation definitely outweigh the cons. I have made some lifelong friends that understand me and whom I can just be myself with. My Spanish is getting better; sometimes I catch myself saying something in a verb tense that I don't even remember learning and I look around suspiciously and ask people if it's correct...and it IS! I've developed deeper relationships with people from home as we share our lives through letters, email, and skype. It seems odd that we've been able to delve deeper when we're never truly face to face, but I think sometimes it's the distance that brings us closer...it makes us remember what's important in our lives. And "what's" really always translates to "who's" because things are never as valuable as people.
And I've learned a lot about myself. Someone semi-recently asked me "What things?" because I always cite "things" but never specify what. The list is endless, but I can never think of anything on the spot. However, lucky you, I'm not on the spot right now. I could delete this whole entry and you guys would never be the wiser. But I won't. Deleting what I write just isn't in me (although I did throw away my high school journals at one point...).
I don't want what I thought I did...or maybe what I was told I wanted. The media drills in us that we need a bigger TV, a faster computer, a sleeker car, a louder stereo, a beautiful house in the suburbs, a cell phone with more features, and so on...and so on...and so on...literally an endless list of stuff. I don't want those things. I want a TV that's not the center of my family's life, that's not big enough to be the center of any room in my house. I want to keep using and repairing my laptop that I'm using now that I've had for six years (go Dell!). Right along with that I want to have my silver 2000 Honda Civic for as long as possible. I want something to play music on that won't cause hearing damage. I want to own a house that fits my family. When I was little I used to pass the Atheneum on Beechmont and think I want a house just like that. WHAT would I do with all that space?! I'm not criticizing people who have the lux of the luxery, just saying that's not what I want for life. I don't want to have to work more hours to pay for things I don't need when instead I could spend time with the people I love or doing things I love to do.
Second thing I've learned is about humans in general. It's amazing what we are capable of adjusting to. My body quickly adapted to being here. I don't get sick very often (although I do have a cold right now). The heat doesn't bother me quite as much as when I first arrived a year ago. I don't need air conditioning. When I tell Nicaraguans where I live, they all make the same face that says, "That's SO far away!" but, as long as the bus rides are less than 5 hours I don't mind them (unless I drank a lot of water that morning). I don't scratch my bug bites as much (although you will see some scars in December...that is if my legs can bare the cold for a few minutes!). If hand-washing my clothes takes less than an hour, it's been a good morning. And these are just a few of the things that pertain to me. Nicas are far more impressive. When the grass needs cutting, they do it with their right arm and a machete. They work outside in the sun all day without complaints. Kids come home for the weekend and help on the family farm for fun.
I don't like the fast-paced life. My future house must have a rocking chair that is permanently parked in a shady spot on my front porch. I love knowing the workers at the ice cream shop, the guards at the bank, the owners of a local hotel...and in connection with that is I LOVE having time to stop and talk to them whenever I see them. I'm never in a hurry. I don't have to rush off to make a meeting (because even if I have a meeting, chances are it won't be starting on time). I'm never stuck in traffic (because there isn't any!). At home I sometimes felt the weight of time crushing down on me. How long will this take? That's not the way I want to live...always waiting for the thing I'm doing to end so I can move on to the next. What's the point of that? So, something I need to remember when I come home is to just s-l-o-w-d-o-w-n. It's easy to get swept up in the hustle and bustle.
Another aspect of my life that has started to grow is the spiritual part. I still don't enjoy Mass and therefore never go. I pray about the same amount as I did before I left. I know what you're thinking, "Then what's changed Jocelyn?" I feel God more. There are so many beautiful places here and nature is where I see and feel God. Try as I might, I do not find Him very often in a beautiful church adorned with statues, crucifixes, and stained glass windows. I feel his presence and his design when I lookout from the top of a small mountain (can't claim I've climbed any huge ones), when I see a crystal clear waterfall drop into a pool, when I look into the eye of an ancient turtle laying her eggs. That list could go on forever. I know a lot of people believe that Mass is necessary for me to be called Catholic, but I don't. I respect where other people are at on their spiritual journey and I expect the same sort of respect in return.
I don't want to bore you so the list of learned things about myself is going to end there. But don't worry, I still have another year and three months to add to it :)
There's so much I still want to accomplish before I leave in November of 2011. It's going to flash by faster than the lightning that fell as I walked under my umbrella to class last night (Can anyone tell me if I shouldn't carry an umbrella when it's lightning? I was super-freaked out the whole time.).
What do I want to do? I want to hold an English summer camp for kids. I know it sounds lame but it's actually a lot of fun. We'd play games and learn at the same time and it would be free (no complaints there!). I want to start the world map project. My goal there is to have one in each of my two schools before I come home for Christmas. I want to open up a pen-pal program that connects more high school students at home with my students here (we're talking about that now) that will last longer than a school year. I want to see more of the country and meet more people.
I don't know what I'm going to do when I'm done serving in the Peace Corps. I'm taking the GRE on October 23rd to have grad school options open. I don't know where I'd go or what for, or even if I want to go...but who knows? Maybe I'll know all those things in a year and three months. Maybe I'll go abroad and teach English to other kids in need. Maybe I'll get a regular job teaching English to high schoolers. Maybe I'll do something I don't even know about yet. It's all up in the air. And I'm okay with that.
But for now it's late so what I want to do (and what I'm going to do) is go to bed. I just thought you guys might want a one-year-in-country update.
(I have another anniversary in mid/late-November for one year of service. Feel free to send gifts! (Hah! That was a joke. Save them for when I come home...better yet, don't buy any and just take me out to a delicious restaurant.)
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